I made an important discovery. The logos are quite similar. Coincidence? I think not.
Also I dyed my hair with this i forget what brand. probably l'oreal something and it's supposed to lighten your hair by three shades. Try by more than three shades. I didn't think it would even work, now i have brown hair instead of black and i kind of like it. also i got my hair cut and i like how the girl styled it but i don't think i could ever style it the same.
I am tired and all messed up from working nights. i am not enjoying the two job business because i work messed up shifts at both places so i am either working or sleeping and i can't even enjoy a day off because i don't sleep at night, so i sleep all day and it's sunny out. for once. fuck. and i start a summer course tonight. awesome. and i just found out that a giant part of the mark is based on group work. did i complain about group work yet? fuck. it makes me so angry. because i go to class and try hard and some other people don't and their mark goes up because of group work and mine goes down. i might drop this class because of it. seriously. like in the last group-work class I had, if we didnt count the group work and made the exams worth more, my mark would have been 10 percentage points higher. that is a huge deal. fuck i am mad. i don't know what to do. summer courses are only six weeks and you cover way less than courses during the year. so i'll save a ton of time and energy if i take it now. i can't take a summer course next year because i have a clinical rotation in the summer. and if i take less than required courses next year, i won't be on the dean's list and i am obsessed with being on the dean's list. fuck. i want to drop the course. but that means i have to work extra hard next year. fuck. i'll go to class tonight then decide, i guess. man i am cranky.
update:
no one at school knows anything. it says online that in order to make the dean's list, you have to have a minimum of 30 semester hours (which i don't fucking understand, by the way)... I think semester hours=credits. anyway. there is an exception that 4th year nursing students don't have to have 30 credits to make the deans list, as long as they were on the dean's list before. Soooo does that mean if i was on the dean's list in first, second and third year, and i don't take an elective in 4th year like i am supposed to (but take it, say, starting today), then do i still make the dean's list if my marks are good enough? Hmm, lets ask an academic advisor.
Me: so, if i take an elective now and NOT in 4th year, can I still make the dean's list if my marks are good enough?
Academic advisor: there is no dean's list in 4th year. you just graduate with high standing if you're eligible.
me: except on the website, it says this: "The only exception to the semester-hour requirement is for Fourth Year students who require fewer than 30 semester hours of work to graduate, provided that they obtain a minimum of 24 semester hours of credit during the september-may year, and that they have had previous standing on the dean's list."
Academic advisor: Umm, I'm not sure.
Me: Ok, so I'm trying to decide if I should take an english course now or not. Do you know anything about the course load in 3rd and 4th year. Is it super hard? What do you suggest I do?
Academic advisor: All I know is that nursing is pretty hard no matter what you do.
Me: The problem I have is that a huge portion of the mark is made up of group work, and I don't agree with that. I don't think other people's work should be reflected on my mark. Do you know if all english classes are like that or just the one taught by this particular professor?
Academic advisor: I'm not sure.
Me: Wow, you're doing a pretty good job at advising me.
Academic advisor: Well, you know... we do what we can. I'm glad I could help.
Me: Actually, you didn't help. I was being sarcastic.
Academic advisor: Umm I'm not sure.
Me: You're not sure of what?
Academic advisor: Umm, I'm not sure.
Me: FUCK!!!
I made a website for myself. Um look at it if you want. http://jilliangradyphoto.weebly.com/index.html
I just worked a night shift and couldn't sleep long enough because my belly growled until i got out of bed. i hope i can sleep more later because i work another night tonight. um i might be a bit sleepy delirious right now. i got my marks back and i'm pretty happy. My average for the year is 86.5. Not bad for second year nursing... That means next year should be better cause this was supposed to be the hardest year. I'm pretty happy because when i was in elementary and high school i was always kind of jealous of my siblings because they were the smartest in their class but i was always not, so this kind of makes me feel like nah nah nah nah nah becauseeven thought it's def not the best in the class, it's pretty friggen good and i am proud of myself for being able to pay attention and do good. also i feel smart. I have to catheterize someone tomorrow morning for the first time ever and i am kind of nervous. i had a dream that i did it and it was hard but i did it. so i guess maybe if i can do it in my sleep i can do it in real life? also it's my first solo shift in summerside so i am nervous but at least it is a night shift where i have time to organize m self and stuff. sooo umm what else can i say.
there is a bird's nest in our mailbox again this year. i'm kind of annoyed because troy was supposed to get/make a new mailbox last year that wouldn't allow birds in but whatever i guess i could have too. but now there are four robin's eggs in there. so um i guess we have to get a new one pretty soon cause the post man is probably not going to give us mail if a bird flies out into his face every time he opens the door. I would not like to have a bird in my car, i don't think. troy wants a owl shaped mailbox. that would be cool. there is a terrier mailbox on best in show and i think i want that one. I couldn't find a picture of it but this will do because it looks like atticus. Umm i searched for 30 minutes for a picture of a terrier mailbox. gawd.
Ok time for a sandwich and then back to bed maybe.
I want to talk about old people and how much I love them and how they make me cry, which will bring me to talk about crying in general. I wrote about how I cry all the time a long time ago but I will talk about it again because I guess there has been a surge of crying lately.
So I love old people. Some because they have such interesting stories to tell, some because they are incredibly wacky and strange. There was a woman who died recently who cracked me up so much. She was my favorite, even though you're not supposed to have favorites. She was pretty confused most of the time, but sometimes she was so quick and witty and hilarious. She swore all the time and made a face like "OOPS! I hope no one heard that!" She always asked "What do I do now?" because she really didn't know. Like you'd give her her toothbrush and put toothpaste on it, and she'd say "What do I do with that?" When she was like that, it made me sad, but when she'd say "What do I do now, shit and go mad?" I would laugh my head off. I bawled my eyes out when I heard she died. I went to her wake. It was the first wake I went to of a "patient". Lots of people before her have died but she was special and I loved her, I guess. Sometimes when I stood beside her, she'd lean her head on me, like a cuddle/nuzzle kind of thing, like how you would expect a little kid to nuzzle their mom or something. That made me cry.
There was another lady who died on the same day or the day before maybe who was very hard to understand, and that made me sad because she probably thought she was communicating clearly and would get really frustrated because people would always make her repeat herself. She was also a favorite. I just want to hug some people sometimes, but I know it's probably inappropriate, unprofessional behavior. I wanted to hug her a lot because she seemed like she needed it. I didn't go to her wake because I got the impression that it was private, but I will maybe go to her grave someday. I think I love old people because they (some of them) seem so lonely and I guess I want to make them feel unlonely.
There is another lady who is 102 and sometimes, she is totally alert and aware, and other times, she talks total nonsense but is so hilarious. One of the caregivers was helping her wash up down below and she asked why they were doing it. The caregiver said that it's good to be nice and fresh, and she replied that "there's no point, my old pussy cat hasn't seen action in years." That made me cry maybe because it was so funny, but maybe for some other reason.
I have my first intramuscular needle the other day and cried cause I was scared/proud of myself for being nursey. Also for all you non nurses, at the end of each shift, nurses record a report of the happenings of the shift on a tape recorder. I did that for the first time the other day and cried. I don't know why. I guess cause i was nervous or something.
Some other things I cried about... This is stupid. Dad sent me a link to a youtube video of a commercial. I think because I maybe feel pretty disconnected from people because I am so busy all the time, and this made me feel kind of a longing for being united with other people, maybe? I don't know. I am around people all the time, either in school or at work, but I feel like I don't have connections with enough people. I hardly ever see friends anymore and when I do, I feel like we're kind of starting over instead of picking up where we left off kind of thing. Cause I guess I am a different person now than I was two years ago when I wasn't in school and had more time for friends. So I don't know. Watch the video.
I was going through some old pictures and found this one. It is maybe one of my favorite pictures ever. It's my brother and our cat. It was probably taken like 8 years ago or something. 
Oh I also want to talk about how old people call me fat all the time. I am pretty curious about it. I mean, obviously, I am overweight, but most people don't come right out and tell me. The other day, I brought a lady a glass of milk, and she started talking about how she is a milk drinker, always has been and always will be. I said I am too, to which she replied "Yes, but I can tell that you are: you're fat!!!" and she laughed her head off. So did I. Someone else grabbed my arm and said My what nice fat arms you have. Things like this happen pretty much every day at work. One guy calls me the "nice big girl". He also slapped my bum once. Yeah, they seem to like that I am fat, and are happy to tell me. Troy says he thinks it's because they lived through the depression so fat people were maybe privileged? I think older people have a harder time controlling what they say- like they speak before they think, kind of thing, more so than younger people. I think that has to do with dementia, maybe? ANyway, they seem to like that I am fat and it makes me not hate that I am fat as much as I usually do, I guess.
Ok. I am done now. Time to make chili.
this picture makes me think of summer. i can't wait for it to be here.
i started this post because i had something specific to say and now i forget. three weeks of classes left. so happy. then summer course. awesome. except summer courses are way easier than normal courses cause the teacher says lets get the fuck out of here it's summer. i'm taking an english class and i hear that she starts the course with watching the brother's grimm, then we read 1984 which... who hasn't already? then we watch the movie and compare the two. and i already had her as a teacher and did well in her class, sooooo. and she shows pictures of her dogs to the class and swears often. that's not the reason for this post. i still don't remember. ooh i found out last night that at my summer job, i'll be making $17/hour. that's cool cause i thought it was $15.
bye
I have been pretty unhappy and tired this week. I think I have what folks call the "winter blahs." I feel really cranky and irritable and i just want to run around or something. I went for a walk. Also we bought seeds and planted them in one of those dome things. We planted peas, tomatoes and green onions. We're going to have a garden this year. Hopefully the dogs don't pee and poop in it. I think they might. Anyway, doing those things made me feel better. I feel really argumentative and i want to yell at people or something. I think I just really want school to be over and for it to be sunny out because i am sick of wearing boots and coats. And ballooning so i have to run around or do something. I need to find an activity to do because even though I love my house and love living in the country, I sometimes feel stuck here or something cause I don't really go anywhere because it costs so much for gas and all that nonsense. So I think I need a weekly exercise class or something. The YMCA has yoga and tai chi and things. so maybe i'll do that. I'm so lazy about studying and doing things that i should do because i think i'm winter-depressed. so i just lay in front of the tv or play games on the internet. school makes me lonely and depressed. except i am so excited to be a nurse soon. i'm half done.
whatever. i'm boring.
